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The Christmas Conundrum
By Betsy Richter | 9:59 am(Warning: this is a long, rambling, introspective, and ultimately inconclusive post. I don’t normally dither – but I’ve been dithering about this issue for 4 years now, and have the uncanny ability to come back with a ‘yes, BUT’ response to every reasonable compromise or argument that frustrated friends have marshalled over the years – or the “I don’t KnOOOOW’ answer to the very reasonable question ‘What do YOU want?’ I’ll try not to do that here, so feel free to lend your own thoughts – but you’ve now been forewarned, right?)
I have boxes of Christmas decorations in sturdy Rubbermaid totes in the basement at our new place. (We moved in May.) I have an entire row of Santa Claus mugs, with a poignant story behind them. I love the smell of a fresh tree…have been known to do massive holiday cookie baking…and always carve out time to watch one favorite Christmas special with the kids (The Year Without A Santa Claus – I have a thing for the Heat Miser, I do…)
Yet we do not celebrate Christmas in any significant way here – and we haven’t since Young Daughter was two.
Why? It’s one part philosophy, one part logistics, and yet another part that’s about inertia and/or just following the current momentum. There are parts that will have you shaking your heads in disbelief…disagreement…or will have you cracking a smile or two at the strange way the world works.
When The Father and I were first together, and Young Son was just a toddler, we celebrated Christmas, in a mostly secular way. It was a great chance for me to reinvent or incorporate family traditions, and I loved doing so (that’s where the Santa Claus mugs come in, for example.) But we also celebrated Hanukah with The Father’s extended family, and had agreed to raise our children in the Jewish faith (we hadn’t yet determined what that would mean down the road.) We blithely skirted by (or just ignored, in an ostrich in the sand kind of way) any glaring inconsistencies, and tried to not let the gift-getting angle dominate the holiday itself.
See, one of the philosophies that is still constant and certain for me is that my children don’t need to get a ton of stuff on any holiday or gift-giving occasion, birthdays included. I remember getting a ton of stuff at Christmas – but we didn’t typically get things any other time of year. It’s different for my own kids, who get showered with things or save up money for things or just have Lots and Lots of Things (I ought to know, as I trip over them or manuever around them often enough, ugh.)
Yet I remember that, those last few Christmases, I spent an inordinate amount of time worrying about Stuff – getting the Right Stuff, wrapping said Stuff (I hate wrapping gifts), making sure we had Hanukah Stuff for eight nights along with Christmas Stuff. Young Son started being a little too interested in the amount of Stuff he got, rather than the Stuff itself.
But we made an abrupt hard left turn away from Christmas in 2001 for other reasons as well. The Father and I were separated, and trying to figure out how holdays and traditions factored in. Yet we’d also agreed to travel down to California as a family to be part of an extended family gathering for a nephew’s Bar Mitzvah. It was easy to say “hey, instead of a tree and presents this year, we’re going to Disneyland instead!” And we did just that.
By the time Christmas rolled around again, I’d decided it might make sense to keep the momentum going away from Christmas. Young Daughter didn’t remember having a tree, for example. Young Son said “I’m older now, Mom. I know that holidays aren’t just about presents, presents, presents.” And the kids were now involved in programs at the synagogue I’d joined.
Where are we now? For the past few years, the kids go with their Jewish father to celebrate Christmas with his partner and her extended family, who do a secular Christmas celebration with a vengeance. And I’m the one with the synagogue membership, the boxes of ornaments in the basement, and who teaches religious education classes for both kids. (Yes, the ironies here don’t escape either one of us.)
I do small stockings for the kids Christmas morning before they head off with their dad…I do holiday baking…and then I visit friends for Christmas Day itself. And we drink hot chocolate in Santa Claus mugs while watching Heat Miser, of course. That’s what Christmas now looks like in our household. And, for the most part, it feels okay.
Do I want a tree, or to bring more elements of Christmas back in? To be honest, there’s much that I don’t miss at all: vaccuuming up tree needles, the whole gift retrieval angle (I hate shopping), the logistical challenges. But why didn’t I just sell the ornaments, or give them away when I moved? That’s the part I can’t figure out. We have no room for a tree in the new place, that’s for sure. The kids aren’t clamoring for a tree (they’ve never asked for one, and Young Son has shrugged unenthusiastically whenever I’ve asked him if he wanted one.)
If I miss the smell (and I do), why not just bring in some evergreen boughs and call it good? Sounds good at first – until I think of those ornaments in the basement again.
What do I want? I honestly don’t know…but I must want something, no?
Otherwise, why write this post?
Topics: Boss Lady | 11 Comments »
November 21st, 2004 at 12:22 pm
This post touched something deep within me. I love the holidays. Yet, I do not enjoy the commercial aspect of it. I think that people should not have a certain date to celebrate the love of friends and family. I give gifts throughout the year when the mood strikes. However, I have similar boxes filled with pretty Christmas things. So, yes I understand.
Thank you for a post that made me think and permit me the oppourtunity to reflect.
You must update this post when you have pondered it some more.
November 21st, 2004 at 3:41 pm
I’ve been debating the tree angle this year, as I just don’t have time. I’m tempted to hang my lovely ornaments on the houseplants and call it good!
November 21st, 2004 at 4:21 pm
How lucky you are, not to be roped in by a web of unassailable traditions. I envy you, and I greatly admire your de-emphasis on gifts.
If I were in your shoes, I think I would try to let things change organically, rather than changing them. If my kids fussed about a tree, we’d get a tree. If I suddenly had the urge to host a giant Christmas dinner, I’d do that. But otherwise, I’d let it be … and to heck with the decorating stuff sitting in its bins.
Every year I promise myself that NEXT year I am going to try the Hundred Dollar Holiday
or otherwise take advantage of the great suggestions from the Center for a New American Dream
But every year I do the same damn thing over again, and spend January and February recovering. What was that definition of insanity again — doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results? :-/
November 21st, 2004 at 8:53 pm
One of the great ideas we did one year (we’ve been unable to recreate it in succeeding years, alas) was having special nights for Hanukah instead of gifts.
One night was crafts night, where my son made a menorah with his father, another was book night, and still another was game night.
BUT part of what made this so successful was that their dad was involved in these activities, even though we’d already split up by then. And next year, my son was uninclined to try the scheme again, even though he’d enjoyed it the year before.
We didn’t revert back to eight small gifts, however – which I’m grateful for!
November 21st, 2004 at 9:17 pm
I grew up with a large Christmas celebration — my parents would sometimes invite 150 or more to the house for Christmas Day — though neither one was observant and one wasn’t Christian. Venerable Mom always told my sisters and me that she “was doing it for you kids,” not very convincingly, as she complained about how much work it was to organize the party and cook for so many. One year she fell ill two weeks before Christmas, which ended that tradition. Since then my relatives (half of whom are no more Christian than I am) have grown to enjoy Christmas without the Christmas machine running full-bore. I haven’t yet worked Hanukkah into the picture for the Laquedemitasse, but that will come this year or next.
November 22nd, 2004 at 1:57 am
Whn will you Idiots finally realize that every day should be Christmas, and act like it. Typical stupid Pagans you are!
November 22nd, 2004 at 6:44 am
Every day should be Christmas? Now I like eggnog, but that’d be a bit much, no?
November 24th, 2004 at 1:06 pm
Great post. I love Christmas for the carols and the meals, and (of course) the days off. I appreciate the religious significance of it. The gifts — I could do without those. I hate the annual stress brought on by trying to figure out how to give stuff to people, and knowing that if I try to pull off the “I’m poor and scraping for the mortgage/car payment/student loans” excuse I’ll be ostracized.
That said, I always feel a little disappointment at not receiving as many presents as other members of my family. And then I feel disappointment at my disappointment.
Your Christmas sounds great. Very basic, and all about relationship instead of consumerism. Though I like the tree — I love going out with my wife and finding the perfect one, then turning out the rest of the lights in the house and watching the tree while listening to old crooners singing.
November 24th, 2004 at 2:03 pm
Young Daughter has requested a tree this year – even before I brought the subject up. So it looks as if we’ll be doing a tree this year…
November 24th, 2004 at 2:35 pm
The tree is my favorite part of Christmas. In fact, I’ve decided that next year – I’m doing a Halloween tree!
February 20th, 2006 at 7:53 am
[...] Oh, and for those of you wondering about the resolution to this post? The rubbermaid totes are up from the basement…and rumor has it there’ll be a tree early next week – once we’re through with Hanukkah, that is…! heat miser, Monday SAS [...]